One year later plus a much needed update

So I have majorly neglected this blog. I sat down a few times and started to put something together but I never got around to finishing. So I'll try this again...

I started thinking the other day that we are very close to the one year anny of finding out we need IVF. It was one year ago on March 15th that I had my lap and they removed a cyst and endo. April 26th will mark the one year anny of receiving the call from the REs office that our only hope is IVF. I remember the inbetween from March to April. We were very hopeful that we were getting answers. We were rushing around getting things organized trying to figure out how to come up with the $2500 for an IUI. We had plans to start that process in May. We thought for sure that May would be it and an IUI would be the answer to everything.

Then came April 26th. I clearly remember checking my phone when I came back to my desk. I saw that the office had called and I needed to call them back. Buses were dismissing and in an open school there is no quiet area with cell service during this. I decided to walk over to first grade area on the opposite side near one of the outside doors where I knew it would be at least a little quieter. When the nurse came on the phone I remember her calmly explaining Patrick's results and how this meant that our only option was IVF. She wanted to know how soon we wanted to meet with the Dr. to set up a plan. This was a huge shock. I rememeber just breaking down and thinking there was going to be no way we could afford this. How does this happen at 24 and 28 years old (and Patrick had just turned 28 the week before)???  I ended the phone call saying I would need to call them back. The rest after is a blur. I remember being stopped by co-workers on the way back to my room. I don't remember driving home or who else I called that day. Patrick was working evenings. I was debating calling him at work or waiting. He ended up calling me later on and I remember sitting in the very same spot on my couch now and telling him the news I had gotten. I don't remember much about the days after just that it became a fight or flight type of feeling. Obviously we fought.

Looking back I see good and bad to this fight reaction we had. From moment of finding out and getting into the Walter Reed program, the fight was what kept us going. It was what kept us going during the first cycle and I have never had that fight feeling as much as I did after that first cycle failed. It pushed me to move on.

The bad of that? There was a crash. Once the 2nd cycle started I began to lose that fight and fear set in. Fear of losing again, fear of never having children and in general a fear of everything. On the outside I still was fighting. On the inside I was breaking down. I wanted to quit and I almost did. I can even remember a converstation I had with Patrick and we had come to a sort of agreement to quit. I feel most of this came from never grieving over the first cycle. Somehow we made it through. Although with much more tears shed than the first time around. I remember I cried over every step. I cried at egg retrival, I cried on the day 3 report and I cried on the day of transfer. I wasn't sure if it was going to work and I had my days of no hope.

Then came October 12th. That was the first day we saw a very very faint positive. I don't think I believed it then. Each moment after that became another stepping stone. I still feel like I am carefully stepping across each stone as we get closer to the end.

Here we are at almost 27 weeks. Our two boys will be here in about 10 weeks. That time seems so short for what we have left to do. So far everything looks great. Babies are great. My body is doing great with them at least. I feel like it fails me many times a day. I am thankful for this opportunity. I'm glad we didn't give up and I realize now more than ever that we are so lucky. So many people struggle with infertility and not everyone gets a chance to make their dreams come true. Some days I still don't feel like it's real and I don't think I will feel like our battle will over until we walk through our front door with our babies but we are so much closer to that dream than we were a year ago.