Almost Summer Again!

Well it's been awhile.
Little update on our life:

The boys are almost TWO!


I can't believe how big they are getting. They are talking all the time. Nolan is so funny. He got his father's sense of humor. And my attitude, boy can that kid throw a fit. Corbin is such a big sweetheart. He loves to love. Kid wears his heart on his sleeve.

Nolan has made leaps and bounds in therapy. He is walking, trying to run, he can even try and jump a little. He's still not as strong as Corbin but he can do just about anything Corbin can. He struggles with balance a little and coordination but you wouldn't notice much unless you spent a great deal of time with him.

It's been so long since I updated. I really felt like this blog was my life during infertility/IVF. Once we got pregnant I sort of dropped off of it. I will say a twin pregnancy and two very little ones mask the pain of infertility a bit.

But...I've learned that it never really goes away. At least not now. I wonder if it ever does. Something got me thinking about this blog today. I've had so many friends post things about knowing someone struggling with infertility. I've had many friends struggle themselves. Some of these friends I met through our journey but the sad part is that many of these friends I knew already. Most of them are silent on their own personal journey. Some pregnant now, some have their little ones in their arms, and some carry their little ones in their hearts. I have thoroughly enjoyed talking to each and every one of you over the years. I hate what has brought us together but I love that I could be there for someone else. There were too many times in our early struggles where I felt alone. I know how nice it is to know that you aren't. To know that someone out there knows your pain and is on your side.

Many people I talk to say something along the lines of "Oh two for one, you're done!" or "you're so lucky you had twins because now you don't have to do it again" or we hear the rant about how now there are three boys in this family and we couldn't possibly consider having another and risk having a fourth boy.

Ya know...I wouldn't mind a fourth boy( for those of you who know me well, who ever guessed I'd say that?!?!) but what I DO mind is people feeling like they get to "erase" or "wash away" my infertility pain because we had twins and I have a step-son.

The truth of it is that we don't feel "done" but here's the tricky part of infertility. Will we ever? or will I always wonder the what if it will just happen? Or will we venture down that path again, with all the doctors, needles, medicines, and extremely costly procedures?

Patrick and I often talk about having another. Now that the boys are getting older we are starting to wonder .... There is that one little frozen one. I'd love to use it. But then there's those bills that we haven't even paid off from the boys. Scratch that.

So then what if we just let it happen....oh yea... that hasn't worked either.

The other day we found ourselves talking about opening that door again to extra testing, supplements and so on. Nope. Nope. and NOPE! We quickly slammed that door shut again when we remembered how hard all of that was on our marriage. IVF was at least predicable in that we know what is in front of us. Opening the door to the unknown again just isn't something we're ready for.

So where does that leave us? Somewhere in the middle? We resloved our struggle to have the boys but don't quite feel like that's it for us. We both would love a healthy, full term, SINGLETON. Haha! I know it's left me feeling stuck. Stuck where people feel like I should just be grateful for what I have but don't understand what it's like to feel as if you have no control over your own family. To feel shorted of that decision to expand and grow your family. To miss out on the joy and excitement of a "surprise" pregnancy. 

This weekend we will walk in the Walk of Hope again. This year we are going in support of our friends but I also feel like we are going with a new perspective on where we are in our infertility journey. It's never really over. We're just headed down a new path.