Anxiety is High

I have never been so anxious in my entire life...and I have anxiety so that's kind of saying a lot.

I called this afternoon to check my blood work from this morning. We took our half dose trigger at 9:30pm last night and I was super anxious to hear how much my E2 jumped.

Well....it didn't...before everyone jumps up and says "YAY! It didn't spike again!!!"

It dropped. Drastically. We're down to 4300.

At first I heard the number and thought "Awesome it went down" Then reality set in and I realized just how much it went down. It is never actually good to see a drop in E2 except in a case where there is a serious concern of OHSS. Even then they don't want to see a drop after the trigger. They would rather it drop down before then trigger to get those smaller ones mature. The goal with triggering with a smaller dose is that the levels just kind of level off, maybe rise just a little bit or even a small (less than 10%) decrease can be good. So I immediately asked if there was an issue and the nurse didn't sound overly concerned but I kind of heard in her voice when she read over my previous numbers that it wasn't great. She said she was adding a progesterone check to make sure I didn't actually ovulate everything. I never heard so I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Just to clarify if I actually ovulate then the eggs are lost. The doctors cannot retrieve them unless they are in the follicle. That is why it is such a tricky surgery. Although only about 1% of IVF patients ovulate before surgery it does happen. What happens more often is that they only ovulate the biggest ones (also very likely the best ones) and the smaller ones are left to be retrieved. Then you are stuck with a very likely low number of mature eggs or poor egg quality. Which is exactly where we were before only for a different reason.

So right now I have no idea what is going to happen. We might go in there tomorrow and they do the surgery and we walk out with nothing. If that happens it means that they were all lost or the ones that are left aren't mature.

Everything we have been through in the past three weeks is on the line. All the appointments, blood draws, roller coaster emotions, lack of sleep, pain and anxiety. If we make it to transfer I can at least say we had a chance. We tried one more time. If not...I have no idea where to even begin to heal from that. All I can say is say a prayer for us.