Guess I'll get this over with

Although this cycle isn't officially over until my blood work comes back negative we already know that our first ivf was unsuccessful.

I was browsing some blogs one day at the very beginning of all this ivf stuff and someone had an e-card posted that said something along the lines of "Oh you thought IVF would work the first time...that's funny..." I remember looking at it and thinking...am I really being that ridiculous for thinking this is going to work???

It was perfect timing....summer IVF...due date April 17th (Patrick's birthday) I would have leave until sometime around the end of the school year (most of it unpaid though) and then summer time. It was all perfect. Except one thing....it didn't work.

I'll admit now that I knew at about 5 days past. I wasn't 100% sure but I was pretty sure. I cheated and took HPTs...a lot... They were all negative. At 6dp5dt I was really starting to lose hope.

and then 7dp5dt(August 6th)...it was all over... late in the day I had bright red spotting. It came and went likely because of the progesterone. 

Today I tried calling the nurse but she never called back. I decided not to do my 2:30pm progesterone and am completely stopping it. I was in too much pain my body felt like it was fighting itself. I never had a period in July only spotting because I was on so many suppression meds. I could feel my body trying to let go but every time I did the progesterone it held it off a little bit more. Once I quit it became more than just spotting. So then I really knew...it was over.

Sad and heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

I spent all day Monday in my sweatpants on the couch. It was depressing. After I finally let go and accepted that it was over I felt better. I need to move on. Figure out a plan of how we're going to do this again. Every part of it is scary. Financially, emotionally, physically....I have no idea how it's going to work. Baselines start on Sept 4th. Since I was later in the July cycle I need to wait and see how they are doing things. Last I had heard from the nurse was that they were only doing baselines from Sept 4th to 14th due to deployments.

I'm unsure about trusting Walter Reed again. I feel lied to and burned by them. I knew sitting in that room the day of transfer that something wasn't right. I'm mad at that doctor for screwing with my meds and triggering me so early. We have no other option because we cannot afford it. I hate that. I would give anything to have done my first IVF with my RE. I feel we would have a different outcome. Maybe not...but I sure wouldn't feel lied to...part of some huge study where all they care about is their research goals and policies. It's not about what's best for me or what the best option is for me to get pregnant...its all about their research. Their stupid first time ivf one embryo policy. I understand there are times when that is a great option....but don't tell someone with a B-/C embryo that they have a 70% chance when that is nowhere near being true. I'm angry and I really do not want to go back there and do this again....but my desire to have kids far outweighs my dislike for them. I can only hope that I know how the system works now, I know what to say and do and I hope that helps me have a better outcome this next time.